It’s been two weeks since I’ve returned to work, and I think we’re starting to get the hang of things… Sorta.
The first few days weren’t too hard, at least not as hard as I thought they might be. The “newness” of the going to the office and getting back into my regular schedule seemed kind of exciting. And it was, kind of… for a few days.
Don’t get me wrong - I like my job just fine. It’s just that after the newness of the routine wore off, I was left feeling a little anxious, sad and stressed. In fact, yesterday was the hardest day for me so far. I know that Jett is perfectly fine and very happy at home with his daddy - that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about the little things - Are the bottles clean and ready for tomorrow? Is his laundry done? Is everything he could possibly need within arms reach so that things are as easy as possible for Ryan?
I know these worries are a little irrational… Ryan can handle it. But I have a very strong desire to make everything as easy as possible for them at home. Because my happiness is now very much intertwined with a certain little guy. If he and his daddy are happy, most likely I am.
For the most part, I’ve been able to do the things that help prepare for the next day (and therefore alleviate some of my anxiety) - Washing the bottles, doing the laundry and picking up around the house have come to be a labor of love. I’m happy doing those things because knowing that Jett will have clean bottles for tomorrow makes me feel like I’m helping during the day, even if I’m not there.
Another thing that helps me feel like I’m part of their day is pumping breast milk. I know that might sound weird, but while I’m pumping, I have a sense of pride, because I know I’m doing something for Jett, even when I’m at work.
I’m quite certain that there should be a name for this transitional phase and the emotions that go along with it… Like postpartum depression… Back-to-work-after-having-a-baby depression? It’s quite a transition. And while I’m not “depressed”, I’ve felt quite a few emotions throughout the past week, and they’re not all of the feel-good variety.
I know it’ll get easier, and I’m so excited for the day when I feel that I’ve conquered the balance between work and home life, but I also know it’ll take some time. Little by little, I feel like I’m getting used to being a working mom, and it excites me to no end to flex my multi-tasking muscle (Like when I was reading a magazine, soothing a baby, enjoying a cup of morning coffee and watching CBS Sunday Morning - all at the same time!) - These small victories show me that, yes, I can do it all, I just can’t do it all perfectly, all the time (I have no clue what CBS Sunday Morning was about). Oh, and I’ve learned to let the house work go. The world won’t stop turning if I don’t sweep the floor or wash the dishes. Or will it?! :)
In the words of the Grateful Dead, “Well, the first days are the hardest days”… We got this. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment